You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
