i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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