a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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