It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
