Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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