It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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