So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
