if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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