I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
