i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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