Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
