new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
