I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
