Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
