i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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