If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
