I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
After tacos, we're chasing women.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
