Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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