There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I didn't shave. On purpose
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
