the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
