He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
