I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
