i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
