i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We named our party play list daddy issues
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
