Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I love having hate sex.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
