Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
