You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
