she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
