Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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