yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She told me I should be a condom model.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
