i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
