I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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