so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
