you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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