so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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