I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
