I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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