dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
