On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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