theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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