Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
