i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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