you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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