Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
True college students do jello shots in the library
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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