Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
