I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
