i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I will pee on everything he values.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
