You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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