You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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