My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
