Betty ford says i'm here all night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
